in a sense, time passes so excruciatingly slow. moreover, given one extra day, there is just plenty to be thankful for. and yet all of a sudden i realized that i wasn't able to prepare myself for the unavoidable goodbye. i wonder why shedding torrents of tears over all the things that had been swelling up in my chest still wasn't enough. where did all the time go?
today was like any other day. ordinary, i would say. windy and blustery, to a small extent, with a light drizzle earlier in the morning. i went to my sociology class to find that each day the only thing i attain out of it is the one and only fact that my teacher is utterly rich that she lives off only by her husband's retirement benefits and that both of her sons own these humongous companies and live over in manhattan beach. went around the campus to sell donuts for fundraising. and no, PCC students don't love donuts (unless they're free). ended up buying two (out of the five that i sold) for myself. my friends and i then approached to a restaurant. i went back to school, spending my forty minutes studying at the library for the first time. i did two problems of calculus, and then i went to my calculus class with the horrendous feeling of literally consuming too much calculus for a day that my brain demands a break for it refuses to take it any longer. and i went back home.
the difference then is,
i would find you sitting on the floor, glued with your laptop.
i would complain about school. how hectic it is, how much homework i have to do, and how worry am i about my gpa.
i would ask you to close the blind,
we would curl up in bed and we would take a nap together.
when we woke up,
you would make dinner and i would do the dishes.
after that we would take turns showering.
i would do my homework and you would continue browsing.
and at the end of the day, which is my favorite time,
we would curl back in bed, talk about anything, i would poke and stroke your belly. i would take pictures of it and we would do our silly little things together. we would go to sleep. and you would wrap your arms around me. it was four o'clock. and we would start another day together.
the only thing that keeps me going through this miserable, prolonged pain of longing to see you every second of the day and every day of each month is the unshattered hope to see ourselves in the same future together.
today was like any other day. only, my vision is so blurred by all the memories we've had i cannot even see the present without you. i found myself alone when i got home, when i saw the pictures of us on the walls, when i sat down and caught a glimpse of your usual t-shirt and pants folded on my bed, when i scent the flowers you got me, when i realized i couldn't give you a hug anymore when i'm home tomorrow.
and you told me not to cry when i saw you off. but please tell me how can i not when all i see are all these things that so profoundly, agonizingly remind me of you?