it's 2:46 in the morning.
to be precise, it's 2:46 in the morning and i am in my favorite shirt in my room in bed all tucked in listening to radiohead while doing absolutely nothing (productive) in the slightest, other than make myself feel fat and bored. all of which, allow my mind to cogitate on how incredibly fast things that have been happening within one mere week are falling into place. getting accepted into my dream school (which, i can't grasp my mind around just yet), endless cycle of never ending school work, and 2th anniversary with my boy whom has given me more than i could ever deserve. two years of tears and laughter. my best of friend who still hugs me and wipes off the tears on my cheeks after being slapped and screamed at countless time (sorry...). who has always been there for me at my lowest ebb and to share my joy with.
backtracking, june 2005 feels so far away it's surreal. my life as a high school freshman, new world, new school, new opportunity. fully ambitious, i was that ugly nerd who always got straight As, reserved, condescending, and meek. i remember i would have tiny meltdown over bad grades (Bs are already bad as it is and Cs are just inexcusable), juggle my way back and forth from one social meeting to another, get two hours of sleep every single day because two hours was all i could afford without abandoning many of my studies. all the hard work aside, it was also me who never failed to put pressure on myself, who constantly be reminded that i could never be good enough, who let myself be constrained by the monotony of school life - which was very painful to remember because i had known from the start that nothing could hinder me from achieving happiness other than my very own self. yet all i did was wallowing in self deprecation and torture. it took five years for me to eventually realize life isn't all about winning and getting what you think you deserve. because it's not. and you sometimes won't. and there will be times to say "well, i've tried my best..."
now here i am, twenty year old, swallowing down the bittersweet candy. leaping toward the academic pursuits and a whole new journey await. i've still got plenty to learn, but looking back, i can hardly believe how drastic five years simply make. there are millions of things i wish i could wipe off from my memories. but there are more of which i can't bear to lose. it's strange how it only takes mere seconds to step back and observe all the good (and sour) things that have molded me into the person i am today. i'm still in bed all tucked in listening to radiohead. i'm comfortable as ever. and i can't help but clasp all the sensation that will soon become a memory. i miss the fourteen year old me dearly. bits of her still remain, but i don't think i ever want to return back.
my life has just begun, after all.